So because my friend Mike is trying out for a role in a stage production of it and because I have been vaguely curious about it since that "Mad Men" episode, I figured I'd give the movie a shot.
Now, usually I like the movies I write about. That's why I want to write about them and hopefully in some small way get them out there. However, this one . . . I'm not feeling it. Don't get me wrong, I love musicals. I see a few Broadway shows a year and a bunch of local productions and there are many musicals I can sing start to finish. The thing with musicals from the 50s and early 60s is that they are often 1.) wholesome when stage productions have often reveled in pushing boundaries that television and movies can't and 2.) commentaries on the state of society at that time so they often feel very dated when watched today.
Last summer I saw "How to Succeed in Business Without Really Trying" on Broadway (yes, with Daniel Radcliffe and yes, he's very short in real life). The whole play is about the corporate world of the early 60s and the relationships of that time. It's got everything: moving up the corporate ladder, annoying bosses, affairs, secretaries who want to marry the up-and-comer and move to the 'burbs. It's "Mad Men" played for laughs and you know what? It was good. It was FUNNY. Sure, none of the songs were notable and they were all dated but the show was really great and fun even in 2012.
With this musical, I just don't feel it.
In fact, I almost wonder if in some way this movie was dated in its time. The musical itself was written in 1960 and this movie came out in 1963. In 1960, the ideas of the 50s were still going pretty strong and everything about this movie seemed much more relevant. Times were changing but in very small ways like Kim's rebellion of dying her hair. By the end of the 60s her rebellion would be getting caught screwing Conrad Birdie (except for the fact that she has clearly grown out of teen idols by the end of the film and Birdie leaving to war is symbolic of a generation of blah blah blah snort lecture). There's so much wholesomeness with only the smallest hints of the middle of the decade that I wonder if teens who saw this thought, "that's not really me at all." Kind of like when I watch a show like "Daria." I love "Daria" but technically it showed high school in the late 90s when I started high school in 2004. There are universal themes and things that carried over but some bits were never part of my experience because the world changes quickly.
Anyway, since I wasn't thrilled with this movie, I figured I'd mostly make jokes. Enjoy.
We start with Ann-Margaret lamenting the drafting of Elvis Prestley Conrad Birdie or should I say "Bird-HE." DICTION, WOMAN!
If she's 16, I'm 12. Also, imagine if this was actually what you saw when you got the blue screen of death. On repeat. Forever.
Teenage girls flock to Congress to protest because early 60s parents would totally let their girls take off school for this.
This is Albert Peterson. He is a "songwriter" who thinks he finally wrote a hit for Birdie.
He also keeps giant pictures and cutouts of him around.
Yeah, that won't suck.
Albert's girlfriend/secretary comes up with an idea to have Birdie go on the Ed Sullivan show before he is deployed and kiss a fangirl thinking this will sell tons of records.
She draws the name of a random fangirl and tries to call her house.
Said fangirl, Kim, is tying up the line by talking to her less fortunate friend, Ursula, about how she's been pinned.
Was pinning still a thing in the 60s? I always thought it was kind of a 40s or 50s thing and by the 60s kids just determine boyfriends based on who had the newest Beatles album.
The mom from "Happy Days" can't take it anymore.
"The Telephone Hour" song occurs. It is abrasive and one of the few things in this musical that isn't really dated. Although I guess now it would be a bunch of kids gossiping with an assload of Skype chats going.
Does the girl on the right have something wrong with her face?
Have an acid trip sequence.
Rosie yells at Albert about how he hasn't told his mom about their six year long relationship. He's whipped.
His mom is tacky and talks to her dead husband.
Kim sings about how awesome it is to have boobs as she dresses discretely in a giant sweater. ("How Lovely to Be a Woman")
The foot fetishists in the audience shift uncomfortably in their seats.
Feeling totally mature, Kim finally gets the phone call from Rosie about getting to kiss Conrad Birdie.
Her mature response?
A violent orgasm in front of her parents.
Flame Wars: The Early Years.
Hugo, Kim's pinned boyfriend, expresses concern about the kiss.
She has an, "Oh honey. Be thankful you're with me" reaction.
The man that drives the girls wild everyone! He makes Liberace look subtle.
The fangirls are revealed to be Birdie cult members and they recite a pledge and talk about the ritual sacrifice later on.
Elvis performs "Honestly Sincere", a song about how being truthful is sexy.
The ritual sacrifice went well.
Back at Kim and her family's house, fangirls multiply and evolve like bacteria.
Inside, Kim is passed out from another orgasm while Rosie and Albert (who are staying with them for some reason) wonder what an orgasm is.
Kim's father, Harry McAfee, is outraged and FABULOUS.
Kim's brother might be the best character. He has a giant turtle and makes explosives.
Harry is offended by Elvis' motorcycle ruining his decor.
One of the brother's rockets goes off and Albert identifies all the chemicals by smell which is supposed to show his biochemistry degree but it could just mean he experimented a lot in college.
Albert tells them about some chemical compound he invented that speeds up a living things' energy output.
Look away! You do not see foreshadowing!!
Harry is still on about his daughter's purity so Albert entices Harry with the idea of being on the Ed Sullivan show.
He gathers his family into a prayer circle to worship our lord and savior, Ed Sullivan. ("Hymn for a Sunday Evening")
Meanwhile, the mayor's wife is still having seizures from Birdie's shiny gold jumpsuit.
Also, they fed cocaine to the turtle. For hahas.
Kim again insists that she has no plans to nail Birdie and sings to Hugo about how much she loves monogamy. ("One Boy")
Rosie joins in and they pretend they don't hear each other.
Birdie appears in his totally masculine tiger-printed bathrobe, pompadour, and red silk cravat to act like Elvis.
Instead of promising to actively do something to move forward their relationship, Albert tells Rosie that smiling will solve everything and draws all over the fourth wall. Lazy. ("Put On A Happy Face")
Annoyed with real, grumpy Rosie, he creates a happy hologram Rosie to dance with. Problem solved!
Albert's mom shows up to be controlling.
When Albert isn't being nice enough, she pulls a Sylvia Plath.
Her suicide is interrupted by Kim dying her hair.
Priorities.
Harry and Albert' mom sing about how teens are reckless drug-addicted whores while they were perfect. ("Kids")
Cut to rehearsal and Birdie dressed like an actual human.
"What does your husband do?"
"I don't know. He's dead."
Lies around a lot?
ONOES.
Hugo gets pissy about the practice kiss and de-pins Kim.
Albert finds out that Birdie is getting bumped from the Ed Sullivan Show for the Moscow ballet.
This is secretly a communist agenda musical by the way.
Birdie, on his last night before the show and being deployed, goes out to get laid. ("A Lot of Livin’ to Do")
Kim goes to get laid too.
Hugo tries but can only succeed in forming a bible singalong.
This all results in one of those old-musical, years-long dance sequences that isn't that impressive now.
After an exchange of simple Russian phrases I actually learned in my three days of Russian (long story), Albert begs with the head of the ballet but he argues that shortening the act will mess with the communist agenda art.
Rosie would like to remind everyone that in spite of being whiter than Cool Whip, she is actually a sassy Latina.
She does this by belly dancing for men in fezzes.
This whips them into a sexual frenzy and they riot.
No, really, this part makes no sense even in context.
Albert saves her from the fez men so she rewards him . . .
"This is the first time we've seen each other in our pajamas."
What? So they've been together six years and not only haven't had sex but haven't even slept in the same general area. By this standard, I have many platonic friends who I have gone further with that they have.
Albert gives cocaine to the conductor of the ballet so he will speed up the act so Birdie can perform.
Oh those silly Russians! And what wacky G-rated hijinx!
I FUCKING LOVE CONDUCTING!!!
Birdie sings to Kim who is still too hungover from last night to care. ("One Last Kiss")
Hugo finally finds his testicles and punches Birdie onstage.This will be great for his military reputation.
Also, since the movie is almost over and loose ends need to be tied up, Albert's mom doesn't give two shits that Albert and Rosie want to get married because she just had a Vegas marriage with a random stranger.
Happy endings!
Albert sings a song to Rosie where he rhymes her name with a lot of other words ("Rosie").
Crest commercial?
"Guess I'll always care" my ass! Kim/Ann-Margaret sings about how she doesn't care if Conrad Birdie dies in the war.
Hey, that might actually get all those "One Last Kiss" albums to sell!
Problem solved.
Welcome to the 60s.
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