There's one main reason why this movie is important and that's Rita Hayworth. Rita Hayworth is awesome. She can change her ethnicity, cover up escape holes in prisoner cells and have White Stripes songs written about her.
And she's the main attraction in this film. There is a "mysterious" film noir plot to the film but the main reason to watch is because Rita is a total badass and the love-hate relationship between her character Gilda and Glenn Ford's Johnny Farell is awesome and eventually pretty freaky.
So the film starts with Johnny Farrell gambling after having just arrived in Buenos Aires. He's a bit of a cheater and not very good at it.
After the game he has some dude confront him for cheating and he gets saved by a creepy guy (George Macready; ready for anything I'm guessing) who carries some kind of walking stick with a knife in it who is his best friend in the world. I mean the stick. This man loves his damn stick. *cough* Penis substitute *cough*
"It is always a faithful and obedient friend. It's silent when I wish to be silent and talks when I wish to talk."
Well, I bet your best friend never saved you from a mugger so I rest my case. Love your cane you creepy alley man!
The two men chat about "making your own luck" and gambling in Buenos Aires (which is illegal) and creepy man says he should go to this fancy gambling place but advises him not to cheat.
He does anyway.
Security catches him and sends him to the director who turns out to be:
Stick man! Or as Johnny calls him, "the little man with the sharp friend." His real name is Ballin Mundson (pronounced "bah-lin" and not "ball-in"; if his name was ballin', he has every right to be angry).
Ballin' and Johnny decide to go into business together in a you-fucked-me-over-I-admire-that kind of way. Johnny proves he's worth the hire by beating up a guard and tempting Ballin' with the offer of having two friends.
"You have no idea how faithful and obedient I can be . . . for a nice salary."
Is it weird that I'm both scared for my life and strongly attracted to Glenn Ford here?
Also, they agree on no women. Right. Just man lovin'.
In a B.T.Dubbs, Johnny announces the end of the war.
Woot. Drunk, presumably not German, people sing loudly in joy.
"You're sharp Johnny. Almost as sharp as my other little friend but not quite as obedient. My other little friend would kill for me."
Get use to the comparisons; this movie has them in spades.
They toast to "the three of us" but Johnny's voiceover assures us that he was naive to think there were only three of them. Guess who the complication is?
Rita in an Herbal Essences commercial. It truly is a masterful hair flip.
Her smile fades substantially when she sees Johnny.
Ballin' tells Johnny that she's his wife and then Gilda and Johnny exchange teeth-gritting pleasantries while looking like they want to rip each others faces off.
"Johnny is such a hard name to remember and so easy to forget."
BURN!
I bow before Gilda. Patron Saint Of The Subtle Burn.
Ballin', being that he has eyes, knows something is up.
So they have dinner together where Gilda is sarcastic, Johnny is bitter, and Ballin' is uncomfortable.
They talk about the damn stick some more to allow for Johnny do return a burn to Gilda.
"I don't know Johnny. Is my friend a him or a her?"
"It's a her."
"Why is that?"
"It looks like one thing and then right in front of your eyes it becomes another thing."
Ooo, gotcha.
In the background of the plot (and by background, I mean I don't care as much about it), Ballin' appears to be doing some dirty business so he leaves so Johnny and Gilda can discuss why she married Ballin'. If you haven't figured out that they've dated by now, you fail.
Argentinian guy asks Gilda to dance so she says yes to make Johnny jealous.
"He's not my young man."
"But the expression on his face says he wishes he were."
Gilda thought bubble here: "That's right. Lick it up."
One of the best things about this movie is the dialogue. It's amazing. There is so much clever dialogue in this movie that it would be impossible for me to really give a full idea of it all but here are some other random snippets: When Johnny goes to retrieve Gilda from the Argentinian he does so with the phrase, "Pardon me but your husband is showing" and then later Gilda tells Ballin' "I think it's good business to surround yourself with ugly women and beautiful men." Honestly, I couldn't agree more.
Ballin' tries to get the truth about Johnny and Gilda's relationship out of Gilda while sitting in his evil light.
Gilda say he has nothing to worry about because she hates him and Ballin' says, "well hate can be a very exciting emotion. Very exciting. There's a heat. Did you feel it?"
Feel . . . it? Well, I did with the Argentinian guy but I don't think that was hate.
Gilda accepts more offers from men in order to piss off Johnny while wearing a fabulous dress.
While Johnny is lying to Ballin' about where Gilda is, some dude from earlier tries to kill Ballin' as part of our less interesting side plot.
Ballin' explains some kind of black market tungsten (really?) ring he's got going that is getting him into trouble. He does this while staring at a picture of himself.
Ballin' tells Johnny to spy on Gilda because she's restless and not easily swayed by money. Clearly, Ballin' should have married Marilyn Monroe's character in Gentlemen Prefer Blondes [1953].
Johnny essentially tells her she can do whatever but that he will drop her off and pick her up "like laundry." Laundry becomes her new nickname. The connotation of doing laundry is almost beneath me to point out. Almost.
Johnny hears Gilda in his sleep and it turns out she really is singing "Put The Blame On Mame" which she will sing again later (well, the voice is Anita Ellis). I like this version a little better than the other because it's more thoughtful.
Gilda stops being clever for a second to admit that she married Ballin' on the rebound from Johnny. He doesn't care.
She gets pissed and throws her guitar at the window. Johnny's triumphant smirk is somewhat mitigated by his bedhead and bathrobe.
For a Carnival costume party, Gilda brings a whip. Ballin' tosses metaphors at her. Then she and Johnny dance and reminiscence.
Dead guy ruins party.
Johnny decides to get rid of Gilda to help Ballin'. Instead, they make-out.
Ballin' presumably sees and then runs away to hop on a plane and escape the police who have found out about his tungsten (really?) thingy.
It doesn't go well. Seriously, there is a special effect in there. See that blip of light? Hell yeah. Cutting edge stuff.
But he really was just trying to fake his own death.
Johnny takes over the company and marries Gilda. She's happy. He's not.
He moves her into a new place and brings the picture of Ballin' with him. Appropriately, she's disgusted.
Johnny reveals in a voiceover that he's getting revenge on her for unfaithfulness to Ballin' by, uh, locking her into a room and not having sex with her?
This is the point where their relationship gets freaky.
After many days of not seeing Johnny, she goes to see him to get some answers and he tells her he wants her to reflect on her sins. She revels that she was just trying to make him jealous. Duh.
She goes back to trying to make Johnny jealous with other men and takes up dancing and singing on stage. The song she's singing here is "Amado Mio" and is about her wanting to be loved forever. Appropriate.
She follows this guy who was watching her sing to his room after he offers to help her escape her husband and take her away.
And she finds Johnny in the room sitting in a villain chair. He set the whole thing up to capture her again.
She cries into his crotch. He's not interested.
And ending her show by stripping.
Men rush up to help her with the zipper on her dress.
But Johnny's employee pushes her off stage to a booing crowd before she can get naked.
Johnny hits her. She cries. He goes to drink heavily. Ah, matrimonial bliss.
Johnny has a very sympathetic guy come to arrest him.
"You two really love each other huh?"
"I hate her."
"That's what I mean."
Johnny finds out that Gilda is going home to where ever her home is in America and the guy he's talking to affirms that Gilda isn't a whore at all and that it was all an act. Again, duh.
Johnny finds her in the bar downstairs to say goodbye and says he wants to go with her. He tries to apologize but Gilda replies with, "Isn't it wonderful. You don't have to apologize because we were both such stinkers, weren't we?"
They notice a curiously moving vent that reveals . . .
Ballin' and his stick! He says he's going to kill them for betraying him.
It doesn't go over well. Kindly bartender who was in the whole movie but had no discernible purpose stabbed him with his friend. Well, friends do stab you in the back.
Johnny and Gilda just say fuck it and leave. Happily ever after. Ish.
I love this movie.
But seriously, if you like love-hate relationships between annoyingly pretty people, smart dialogue, and similes, I highly recommend this movie.
